"Cuz guns are meant to be stuck by..."
Despite the heavy-handedness of the last entry, things have improved. I feel the need to remind my (however tiny) readership that the last entry came out of an outpouring of everything that's been building up. It was a confession--not so much like Patrick Bateman, but similar--and I meant everything, but it seems much more severe when it all comes out at once. If anyone's worried, don't be. And if that last statement made you assume that there's something to be worried about, then I guess I'm a failure as a writer.
The point of my entry is to bring up a really shocking fact that I'm having trouble dealing with: I'm actually enjoying myself. I mean, of course, I have a sinking feeling that it's only a temporary pleasure, and therefore I can't fully enjoy the time as much. But I'm still enjoying myself in spite of myself.
Some recent developments:
I went to two dances this weekend! Granted, I wasn't fully "sober" but I still had a really great time. I think I've finally realized the thing I should have realized a long time ago, which is who I could see myself with. And it's hell to realize because nothing will never happen (more on that later). But I was dancing with her and I realized, wow, she's really perfect for me. Granted, I had that feeling with one other person at the dance before it, but I had to discount that idea: it was more unrealistic than the majority of my ideas, which are pretty ridiculously fantastical in the first place. I just really want something to work for the first time in my life: isn't college supposed to be like that? Frankly, I've been disappointed with the whole college experience thus far, but maybe my expectations were too high? I believed that I would meet the best friends I've ever had, that I'd be cool for liking comic books, and that I'd meet girls who liked me. I'm so pissed at every single person who, in high school, told me: "Guys like you will get all the girls in college." Well, this has proved completely untrue. Guys like me don't get girls for a reason, and I of course know what the reason is but I'm too scared and selfish to actually do anything about it, just as I'm too scared and selfish to write more specifically here. Deal with it.
On Friday night, I also engaged in a fantastic game of 2AM Frisbee on the soccer field. It was a lot of fun in a wholesome, high school/summer camp kind of way. Which killed the buzz, of course. But it was still fun at the time.
I'm really in love with music. I mean, I always have been. But that's something that's been getting better at college: my appreciation of music and the cycle it's been through since I got here. I started with Bjork and Sage Francis and Nas. Now, I'm all into the Smiths and Morrissey and Clap Your Hands and Wolf Parade and Sufjan and Devendra. I'm so excited by all the music I listen to, and I'm so depressed by it, and generally just moved by it. It's a good time, I promise.
So I really ran out of steam quickly there. The entry clearly hit a peak when I was complaining about the lack of love in my life, and I did manage to procrastinate for an extra twenty-five minutes. Oh, I guess another point was that I'm doing really well academically. Right. So, um...send your cookies to the comments section, cuz, yes: I do want a cookie.
I better go get cracking on work that will most likely make me fall asleep. Take care of yourselves, kids. I love all of you that are with me and I miss all of you that are not. Some of you I don't really like at all, so stop reading the blog. JUUUUST KIDDING. Keep reading the blog. But yeah, I don't really like you. Or you. Shit, there goes my readership!
MUCH LOVE TO ALL,
Will
The point of my entry is to bring up a really shocking fact that I'm having trouble dealing with: I'm actually enjoying myself. I mean, of course, I have a sinking feeling that it's only a temporary pleasure, and therefore I can't fully enjoy the time as much. But I'm still enjoying myself in spite of myself.
Some recent developments:
I went to two dances this weekend! Granted, I wasn't fully "sober" but I still had a really great time. I think I've finally realized the thing I should have realized a long time ago, which is who I could see myself with. And it's hell to realize because nothing will never happen (more on that later). But I was dancing with her and I realized, wow, she's really perfect for me. Granted, I had that feeling with one other person at the dance before it, but I had to discount that idea: it was more unrealistic than the majority of my ideas, which are pretty ridiculously fantastical in the first place. I just really want something to work for the first time in my life: isn't college supposed to be like that? Frankly, I've been disappointed with the whole college experience thus far, but maybe my expectations were too high? I believed that I would meet the best friends I've ever had, that I'd be cool for liking comic books, and that I'd meet girls who liked me. I'm so pissed at every single person who, in high school, told me: "Guys like you will get all the girls in college." Well, this has proved completely untrue. Guys like me don't get girls for a reason, and I of course know what the reason is but I'm too scared and selfish to actually do anything about it, just as I'm too scared and selfish to write more specifically here. Deal with it.
On Friday night, I also engaged in a fantastic game of 2AM Frisbee on the soccer field. It was a lot of fun in a wholesome, high school/summer camp kind of way. Which killed the buzz, of course. But it was still fun at the time.
I'm really in love with music. I mean, I always have been. But that's something that's been getting better at college: my appreciation of music and the cycle it's been through since I got here. I started with Bjork and Sage Francis and Nas. Now, I'm all into the Smiths and Morrissey and Clap Your Hands and Wolf Parade and Sufjan and Devendra. I'm so excited by all the music I listen to, and I'm so depressed by it, and generally just moved by it. It's a good time, I promise.
So I really ran out of steam quickly there. The entry clearly hit a peak when I was complaining about the lack of love in my life, and I did manage to procrastinate for an extra twenty-five minutes. Oh, I guess another point was that I'm doing really well academically. Right. So, um...send your cookies to the comments section, cuz, yes: I do want a cookie.
I better go get cracking on work that will most likely make me fall asleep. Take care of yourselves, kids. I love all of you that are with me and I miss all of you that are not. Some of you I don't really like at all, so stop reading the blog. JUUUUST KIDDING. Keep reading the blog. But yeah, I don't really like you. Or you. Shit, there goes my readership!
MUCH LOVE TO ALL,
Will
2 Comments:
yeah, college relationships-- at least the freshman year kind-- seem to be the most unfulfilling things ever. they're shallow in like every sense of the word, mostly because since most of the new people you meet are at parties, it's all based on first impressions, appearances, reputations, etc.
i feel like just when i figured out the high school dating scene... i graduated.
anyway, glad you're having fun.
2am soccerfield frisbee awesome is right about my favorite part of second semester this year.
texaspickle
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