Paradise Lost/Paradise Regained
Here I sit in my lukewarm room, with the fan blowing mystic harmonies into my ear. Sorry, I felt touched.
So, as you may be able to tell from my title, things are so-so. Or as I like to put it, things are shitty-great. And, since the proverbial glass is half-empty, I'm going to start with the shitty.
I'm incredibly disenchanted with college life. With the drinking, the potophilia, the constant knowledge that there are people around me who straight out do not like me. But that's relatively fine, because the people that don't like me generally never encounter me. And vice versa. It's more the issue with people who I am around--more than that, who I like to be around--seem to have become disinterested in me to a point of annoyance.
This is related to a few things that I can think of about me. First, I'm very loud. Most people get a kick out of this for a bit, but in the end people get sick of me and think I'm obnoxious and narrow-minded. I sometimes think that way, too. But what redeems me to myself is the knowledge that I am a deeper person than I often seem to be. I don't know if anyone really knows that. I'll tell you why.
To really see my depth, to encounter the passions behind this facade of arrogance, I have to be subdued, almost to the point of depression or complete introspection. People don't like being near me when I'm depressed, and I don't blame them. However, it's a terrible cycle because when I'm depressed it's often because no one wants to be with me, because I feel excluded or unwanted. When I feel out of place, I get depressed. I get angry with myself, with others, and with my flaws. I get resentful towards people who do fit in, and I blame them for pushing me out. I get jealous easily, and I don't hide my feelings well. I'm a dickhole.
That brings us to the next point: I'm remarkably negative. Sometimes people enjoy negativity, because it often leads to cynical humor, darkness that's entertaining. My negativity is like an act that people like to see, I think. I think people look to me for being the degrading, filthy, pessimistic voice in the group, and I don't always like doing that. I want to be rays of sunshine, honestly. I just think the world's too shitty for that. That, folks, was a joke.
I don't know. I feel like I'm growing apart from some of my closest friends, some of the people I truly depend on here, and of course they have many valid reasons for why we don't hang out. But I still feel like they're really intentionally pulling away. I am a fuck-up, and I am a slacker, and I am a clown. But I think I'm lovable, at least.
My expectations for other people are not the same expectations to which I hold myself, and that in itself is unfair. And what's worse is that I know I can change if I ever chose to. I can--and I will--quit smoking cold turkey, because I have the willpower. I can--and did--quit biting my nails. I can--and don't--lose weight and get healthy. I know that all my work habits are my issues, my laziness is my lack of trying (in the bigger picture sense) and my unavailability at times is my own selfishness. I'm too judgmental towards most people, and the people I love I hold too close and suffocate them. Maybe the people who are pulling away are just too choked by my insistence of them being there for me, and my desire to always be there with them.
And it's not like I'm not being invited to things. Well, the people who don't like me don't invite me to things, which hurts a lot considering all of my friends are being called. There are nights when the horrible disfantasy (you like?) I have of being alone in my room while the world outside is laughing and playing actually is the reality. And it hurts me. So much.
Now, I think that covers the bad in a very synthetic and vague way. It's time to move on to the great.
First, I got elected to be Vice President of VUJ for next year. Granted, I ran unopposed, so even if I won I'd like to know who was not in favor of my candidacy. Not for resentment, spite, or anything like that, because I don't feel like anyone in the group actually is that way. I would like to know so I can best represent people, so I can do my job and suit everyone's needs. I will do this, but it would be better to know what I can do to prove myself early on. I'm so excited for VUJ next year, despite the loss of two of our leaders, because even though it's going to be a struggle without them we'll gain the chance to walk on our own legs, to create our own mark. With the seniors still involved, we are allowed the benefit of guidance.
Another great thing going on is that I'm really thrilled to be an RA on the floor I have, with the people I will work with in Hall Staff, and with the fact that the two Alexes will be there. Netflix, baby! Being an RA gives me the responsibility to help people, to have a serious job with serious weight and I plan to seriously work for my residents. Seriously.
I'm also thrilled with the friendships I'm making and strengthening. It partially sucks because the summer will divide all the progress we've made together, but hopefully that time apart builds a stronger bond. On the flipside, people I love are seeming disinterested and even angry with me, but we already discussed that.
Finally, the most important part of what is making me feel great. I'm so excited to be going home to see my family. I don't think many people care about what it means for me to love my family this much, and I don't blame you. No one knew me in high school as the rebellious, spoiled, inconsiderate prick I was to my family. But I love them so much, and I miss them so much, and I hope it's not too late to fix things. It's been 18 years in the waiting, and I finally can be the son/grandson/nephew/brother I should have been. Friends can wait for me, my friends stay up late. My parents and grandmother do not, so I'm gonna make use of the time I have with them. And then at night I'll go out and get cah-razy...right. But honestly, I've never felt closer to my family than I do right now. I feel like I've never understood my father until now, and this is a huge development. It's like the veil over my eyes has been lifted and I now can talk to him, and can listen to him, and can sympathize and appreciate him. And with my Mom, too. As much as I will probably--let's face it, definitely--be furious with them in the future for stupid things, I'll always understand them better and be able to fix things more easily. Because I want to fix things. Fighting with my parents wasn't--and isn't--cool, and I don't want to do anything to dishonor them or hurt them. When you're a kid you're taught to say that you'd do anything for your family, that you'd die or kill for them. And finally I can say that, know it, and mean it.
I think that's all for now. Good night, friends. Good luck on exams!
Much love,
Will
P.S. Norton Youth Theatre is most likely putting on "Annie" next year...
...and guess who's probably Daddy Warbucks?
So, as you may be able to tell from my title, things are so-so. Or as I like to put it, things are shitty-great. And, since the proverbial glass is half-empty, I'm going to start with the shitty.
I'm incredibly disenchanted with college life. With the drinking, the potophilia, the constant knowledge that there are people around me who straight out do not like me. But that's relatively fine, because the people that don't like me generally never encounter me. And vice versa. It's more the issue with people who I am around--more than that, who I like to be around--seem to have become disinterested in me to a point of annoyance.
This is related to a few things that I can think of about me. First, I'm very loud. Most people get a kick out of this for a bit, but in the end people get sick of me and think I'm obnoxious and narrow-minded. I sometimes think that way, too. But what redeems me to myself is the knowledge that I am a deeper person than I often seem to be. I don't know if anyone really knows that. I'll tell you why.
To really see my depth, to encounter the passions behind this facade of arrogance, I have to be subdued, almost to the point of depression or complete introspection. People don't like being near me when I'm depressed, and I don't blame them. However, it's a terrible cycle because when I'm depressed it's often because no one wants to be with me, because I feel excluded or unwanted. When I feel out of place, I get depressed. I get angry with myself, with others, and with my flaws. I get resentful towards people who do fit in, and I blame them for pushing me out. I get jealous easily, and I don't hide my feelings well. I'm a dickhole.
That brings us to the next point: I'm remarkably negative. Sometimes people enjoy negativity, because it often leads to cynical humor, darkness that's entertaining. My negativity is like an act that people like to see, I think. I think people look to me for being the degrading, filthy, pessimistic voice in the group, and I don't always like doing that. I want to be rays of sunshine, honestly. I just think the world's too shitty for that. That, folks, was a joke.
I don't know. I feel like I'm growing apart from some of my closest friends, some of the people I truly depend on here, and of course they have many valid reasons for why we don't hang out. But I still feel like they're really intentionally pulling away. I am a fuck-up, and I am a slacker, and I am a clown. But I think I'm lovable, at least.
My expectations for other people are not the same expectations to which I hold myself, and that in itself is unfair. And what's worse is that I know I can change if I ever chose to. I can--and I will--quit smoking cold turkey, because I have the willpower. I can--and did--quit biting my nails. I can--and don't--lose weight and get healthy. I know that all my work habits are my issues, my laziness is my lack of trying (in the bigger picture sense) and my unavailability at times is my own selfishness. I'm too judgmental towards most people, and the people I love I hold too close and suffocate them. Maybe the people who are pulling away are just too choked by my insistence of them being there for me, and my desire to always be there with them.
And it's not like I'm not being invited to things. Well, the people who don't like me don't invite me to things, which hurts a lot considering all of my friends are being called. There are nights when the horrible disfantasy (you like?) I have of being alone in my room while the world outside is laughing and playing actually is the reality. And it hurts me. So much.
Now, I think that covers the bad in a very synthetic and vague way. It's time to move on to the great.
First, I got elected to be Vice President of VUJ for next year. Granted, I ran unopposed, so even if I won I'd like to know who was not in favor of my candidacy. Not for resentment, spite, or anything like that, because I don't feel like anyone in the group actually is that way. I would like to know so I can best represent people, so I can do my job and suit everyone's needs. I will do this, but it would be better to know what I can do to prove myself early on. I'm so excited for VUJ next year, despite the loss of two of our leaders, because even though it's going to be a struggle without them we'll gain the chance to walk on our own legs, to create our own mark. With the seniors still involved, we are allowed the benefit of guidance.
Another great thing going on is that I'm really thrilled to be an RA on the floor I have, with the people I will work with in Hall Staff, and with the fact that the two Alexes will be there. Netflix, baby! Being an RA gives me the responsibility to help people, to have a serious job with serious weight and I plan to seriously work for my residents. Seriously.
I'm also thrilled with the friendships I'm making and strengthening. It partially sucks because the summer will divide all the progress we've made together, but hopefully that time apart builds a stronger bond. On the flipside, people I love are seeming disinterested and even angry with me, but we already discussed that.
Finally, the most important part of what is making me feel great. I'm so excited to be going home to see my family. I don't think many people care about what it means for me to love my family this much, and I don't blame you. No one knew me in high school as the rebellious, spoiled, inconsiderate prick I was to my family. But I love them so much, and I miss them so much, and I hope it's not too late to fix things. It's been 18 years in the waiting, and I finally can be the son/grandson/nephew/brother I should have been. Friends can wait for me, my friends stay up late. My parents and grandmother do not, so I'm gonna make use of the time I have with them. And then at night I'll go out and get cah-razy...right. But honestly, I've never felt closer to my family than I do right now. I feel like I've never understood my father until now, and this is a huge development. It's like the veil over my eyes has been lifted and I now can talk to him, and can listen to him, and can sympathize and appreciate him. And with my Mom, too. As much as I will probably--let's face it, definitely--be furious with them in the future for stupid things, I'll always understand them better and be able to fix things more easily. Because I want to fix things. Fighting with my parents wasn't--and isn't--cool, and I don't want to do anything to dishonor them or hurt them. When you're a kid you're taught to say that you'd do anything for your family, that you'd die or kill for them. And finally I can say that, know it, and mean it.
I think that's all for now. Good night, friends. Good luck on exams!
Much love,
Will
P.S. Norton Youth Theatre is most likely putting on "Annie" next year...
...and guess who's probably Daddy Warbucks?
2 Comments:
something(s) i think you need to hear:
this post is contradiction-laden. "i'm depressed. i'm not depressed. i hate my friends and feel left out. i love the new friends i'm making. i want to go home. i don't want to go home." et cetera. i think that if you put as much energy as you do into complaining about and deliberating over your current state of mind/social issues into actually improving said state of mind and issues that you'd be in much better shape. there's nothing wrong with reflecting and even complaining once in a while, but only when some type of action follows. my advice would be to, rather than sitting and writing about how obnoxious it is to be excluded, try to think about why that is happening and what you can do about it, or work on developing those friendships you were talking about. you can write about these issues in a blog until you're blue in the fact, but that doesn't make them improve or go away unless you want to improve yourself.
i could be way off base, but that was my gut reaction, and i think you need to hear it from someone.
first of all, haha:
"disfantasy (you like?)"
secondly, i disagree with whoever posted before me, because... i don't know... this is your blog, you're supposed to complain.
and, i hope you go cah-razy with me a few times over the summer... not that watching office space isn't awesome on its own.
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