Closing Time
This is my second entry within a week, and that means one thing: Will is unhappy.
It's not just my perceptions. People are totally pulling away. People have pulled away. And at this point, I have no clue what the hell I'm doing wrong. And it's really upsetting me.
It's the time of year when people should be fixing things with one another, when you should try to get your last minutes in with the people you'll barely be able to live without for 3 months. And as I watch the goodbye hugs and tears, I realize that I'm surrounded by people who will actually miss each other. And although I've given hugs, they were never more than formalities, customs, "what you're supposed to do". I never feel like people will actually miss me, and how am I supposed to feel that way? Am I supposed to believe that their avoiding me is actually a coping mechanism? Or are they just trying to get away from me?
Who am I going to miss? It's pretty clear, or it should be. I'm totally generalizing in this blog, but there are some specific cases where I feel like I'm taking a knife in the heart because I'm being forgotten or ignored for seemingly no reason.
Should I stop caring about the people who dislike me, who hate my presence and make me feel uncomfortable? I want to, but it's hard, especially because their presence is seeping into the groups I felt closest to. I'm just running on empty.
There is also someone who I may never see again. This person is the person whom I've written about before, the unobtainable one. I've wanted so badly to just tell her, to kiss her, and nothing will happen. I'm terrified that I've missed a year of liking her when I should have stopped being a pussy. Like that's ever gonna happen.
Finally, while we're on the topic of being pussies, do me the favor of not being Anonymous when you comment on my Blog. The comment on my last blog was not only hurtful, but it was unfounded and seemed like it came from someone who's never spoken to me. If you want me to care about what you say, tell me who you are. I'd take criticism a lot easier that way. I respect you all enough to tell you how I feel and take you inside my insecurities and fears--do me the same respect and tell me who you are. If you actually care.
Things are ending terribly, and I've never felt worse about college.
That's all.
Will
It's not just my perceptions. People are totally pulling away. People have pulled away. And at this point, I have no clue what the hell I'm doing wrong. And it's really upsetting me.
It's the time of year when people should be fixing things with one another, when you should try to get your last minutes in with the people you'll barely be able to live without for 3 months. And as I watch the goodbye hugs and tears, I realize that I'm surrounded by people who will actually miss each other. And although I've given hugs, they were never more than formalities, customs, "what you're supposed to do". I never feel like people will actually miss me, and how am I supposed to feel that way? Am I supposed to believe that their avoiding me is actually a coping mechanism? Or are they just trying to get away from me?
Who am I going to miss? It's pretty clear, or it should be. I'm totally generalizing in this blog, but there are some specific cases where I feel like I'm taking a knife in the heart because I'm being forgotten or ignored for seemingly no reason.
Should I stop caring about the people who dislike me, who hate my presence and make me feel uncomfortable? I want to, but it's hard, especially because their presence is seeping into the groups I felt closest to. I'm just running on empty.
There is also someone who I may never see again. This person is the person whom I've written about before, the unobtainable one. I've wanted so badly to just tell her, to kiss her, and nothing will happen. I'm terrified that I've missed a year of liking her when I should have stopped being a pussy. Like that's ever gonna happen.
Finally, while we're on the topic of being pussies, do me the favor of not being Anonymous when you comment on my Blog. The comment on my last blog was not only hurtful, but it was unfounded and seemed like it came from someone who's never spoken to me. If you want me to care about what you say, tell me who you are. I'd take criticism a lot easier that way. I respect you all enough to tell you how I feel and take you inside my insecurities and fears--do me the same respect and tell me who you are. If you actually care.
Things are ending terribly, and I've never felt worse about college.
That's all.
Will
4 Comments:
that just made me cry so hard.
you will be missed fiercely and you know it, too.
i always feel kind of separate from the rest of the world at beginnings and endings, especially endings. but i think even though sometimes it seems like everyone else misses and loves each other and it's easy to stand apart and think "wait, i don't feel that way" or "wait, no one seems to feel that way about me" usually people are a lot more similar to you than you think, and it's more an issue of perspective.
Others cannot love you untill you love yourself.
Scary shit on that blog of yours. Maybe it's arrogance, but I honestly think that the most socially intelligent people create the most ingrained characters for themselves. Back when fiting in was all that mattered the socially intelligent were able to create the best characters for themselves, the one's that worked...and worked damn well. But, it's college and now 'fiting in' doesn't matter, it's being yourself, because college is all about self discovery and deciding what YOU want to do with your life. It's terrifying to find out your character doesn't work anymore and more terrifying to find out you don't even really know who you are, especially when you feel that everyone else is passing you by while you stumble for your own sense of identity. People don't respond to nobody. It's scary shit...real scarry shit. Just don't try too hard though, because I think humans run from hopelesness by chasing rapture.
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