"So how do I feel about my life?"
It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time to confront a lot of things about me. And I don't want pity, and I don't want sympathy. I want understanding.
I'm not gay, if that's what you're thinking this is about. I'm just a failure with women.
It's been way too long with me fucking up every time I like a girl. I find girls and I pursue, but never explicitly enough and never successfully enough. Girls do not like me back. It's that simple. It's an unbalanced equation and it's totally not in my favor.
I am exhausted from failure. I am exhausted from being the puppy dog who is kicked around by girls who want the pitbull. I know I'm not some delicate little flower or anything, and I don't want that to be the impression I'm giving in this post. I'm just broken from too many failed attempts, from too many wasted opportunities, and from too many close calls. There's only so much rejection a person can take, and I've past that threshold.
So I'm going to rediscover myself. I went to the gym yesterday, and it wasn't terrifying--it was painful, but I felt amazing about myself afterwards. I felt new, refreshed, happy. And what's more is I plan on going back. Often.
I also will quit smoking. I often have a cigarette every "once in a while" (i.e. daily) and that must stop.
But here's the real clincher of the deal, the big revelation of the affair: I'm taking myself out of the game. I'm ridding myself of temptation by becoming celibate. No sex. Maybe no hooking up. I haven't thought that hard about it. But at this point, none. Because if I want to hook up with people, then I'll be pursuing people. And that's just a waste of my time, energy, and self-esteem.
So there it is. I'm going to rediscover myself. I think this has been coming for a while now. All this stuff about the universe and cosmic truth has reminded me of Buddhism, and I need to look deeper into that. It just makes sense. Right? I don't know. Sex isn't for me. Girls aren't for me. I'm just not that desirable. I think I need to like myself and my own truth a little more before anything sincerely happens.
With that said, if something does happen to pop up, who knows? But I'm no longer pursuing.
I hope this, unlike everything else so far, goes well.
Godspeed?
--Will
I'm not gay, if that's what you're thinking this is about. I'm just a failure with women.
It's been way too long with me fucking up every time I like a girl. I find girls and I pursue, but never explicitly enough and never successfully enough. Girls do not like me back. It's that simple. It's an unbalanced equation and it's totally not in my favor.
I am exhausted from failure. I am exhausted from being the puppy dog who is kicked around by girls who want the pitbull. I know I'm not some delicate little flower or anything, and I don't want that to be the impression I'm giving in this post. I'm just broken from too many failed attempts, from too many wasted opportunities, and from too many close calls. There's only so much rejection a person can take, and I've past that threshold.
So I'm going to rediscover myself. I went to the gym yesterday, and it wasn't terrifying--it was painful, but I felt amazing about myself afterwards. I felt new, refreshed, happy. And what's more is I plan on going back. Often.
I also will quit smoking. I often have a cigarette every "once in a while" (i.e. daily) and that must stop.
But here's the real clincher of the deal, the big revelation of the affair: I'm taking myself out of the game. I'm ridding myself of temptation by becoming celibate. No sex. Maybe no hooking up. I haven't thought that hard about it. But at this point, none. Because if I want to hook up with people, then I'll be pursuing people. And that's just a waste of my time, energy, and self-esteem.
So there it is. I'm going to rediscover myself. I think this has been coming for a while now. All this stuff about the universe and cosmic truth has reminded me of Buddhism, and I need to look deeper into that. It just makes sense. Right? I don't know. Sex isn't for me. Girls aren't for me. I'm just not that desirable. I think I need to like myself and my own truth a little more before anything sincerely happens.
With that said, if something does happen to pop up, who knows? But I'm no longer pursuing.
I hope this, unlike everything else so far, goes well.
Godspeed?
--Will
5 Comments:
well i know for a fact that there are people on this campus that think you are hella cute but are just as scared to pursue you as you are to pursue them resulting in abandonment of any attempts to "mack" it. maybe this will make you feel better.
i think this is pretty admirable of you, speaking as an asexual myself. there's some satisfaction in realizing that you're finally striving to be who YOU want to be, and not who you think other people want you to be...sometimes i feel like college is supposed to be this breeding ground for finding your life partner, and in reality, it's anything but that, because every college student hasn't even found himself yet. anyway, i could keep going, but i'll stop.
- lis
I think that this will be good for you, and confidence is a major factor, just know that you are a desirable man, and I just hope that you will soon come to realize how great of a guy that you are.
That first comment makes me feel worse. "Hella" worse. But that part is over now.
I've always found that misery loves company. So, in light of this, I hope it helps to know that you're not alone-- cliche statement, but you're not.
I think that ultimately, when you know you're the shit, other people know you're the shit. And then you're good to go. You know this fact already. You just have to act on it. Trust me, it's easier said than done-- I'm still working on it myself-- but people are stupid, and they'll believe anything that's fed to them, at first, anyway.
And again, if it helps... when I first met you, I thought you were the shit. Not that I don't still think so-- I just know so, now. Hahaha.
You're like me, and you overthink and overanalyze until your brain implodes. If, on some dark snowy night when you feel like blogging and crying at the crecendo of some song, and if you'd like a partner in crime, you know who to call.
XOXO
Heather :-P
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