"Voices calling to me to get back down"
And of course it's time to post. Because I feel like shit.
The past few weeks have been relatively (except for a few incidents) flawless. I was still high off the epic vibes I got on my birthday, and everything was going right. I got into the Dimple Divers, I got my triple Connection approved, and I got my Independent Study approved. I felt loved, I felt wanted, and I felt protected. Insulated. I felt as if there was nothing that could bring me down--not even the fact that I haven't really been fixing my life like I swore to, or how I'm still dying over these girl issues. But things tend to catch up with you when you're looking the other direction.
I feel like "such is life": it crescendos and crashes down like everything else in this world--music, literature, sex, etc. But I'll try to catalogue the shit that's been going down in my life, and pushing me deep into a rut the likes of which I haven't seen for months.
I feel like I'm being boxed out of my friendships. There are new variables in all of my circles of friends, and these variables don't like me. Maybe because I don't smoke pot, or because I'm an RA, or because I'm too blunt? I don't know. I used to be fine being the sober kid, but around this new element I fucking hate it. Because I feel like I'm looked down upon for not smoking, which is fucking bullshit.
I don't feel like my friends are excluding me. I feel like they're being pulled in different directions, and I'm left behind. I can't really explain how that's not exclusion, but you've gotta trust me on this one. I feel like THEY'RE not leaving me behind, but these new elements are. I want to hang out with my friends, but I don't want to be there when I'm treated like shit by the other people there. I don't need to put up with anyone talking down to me, even if it's sarcastic and thinly veiled by a coating of "joking".
The next issue is potentially (?) resolved. I don't want to discuss it really--it was just about group conflicts with VUJ and Dimple Divers and my having to potentially choose one over the other. I won't share which choice I would have made because it would upset a grand number of people, but I was definitely leaning in one direction.
I guess I feel like the biggest issues are social ones. And I know it's the coward in me pointing towards other people to assess my problems, but I honestly think a lot of my current misery is due to others. Or, my relationship to them. I am so goddamn lonely, and there are so many things I want to say but I can't and never will, and I will never learn.
Maybe I shouldn't say never. But if I don't grow some fucking balls, Never will be inevitable.
This weekend I will be going down to New York. I will be with my brother, I will be with people I love and who love me, and I will feel infinite.
I really fucking hope so.
The past few weeks have been relatively (except for a few incidents) flawless. I was still high off the epic vibes I got on my birthday, and everything was going right. I got into the Dimple Divers, I got my triple Connection approved, and I got my Independent Study approved. I felt loved, I felt wanted, and I felt protected. Insulated. I felt as if there was nothing that could bring me down--not even the fact that I haven't really been fixing my life like I swore to, or how I'm still dying over these girl issues. But things tend to catch up with you when you're looking the other direction.
I feel like "such is life": it crescendos and crashes down like everything else in this world--music, literature, sex, etc. But I'll try to catalogue the shit that's been going down in my life, and pushing me deep into a rut the likes of which I haven't seen for months.
I feel like I'm being boxed out of my friendships. There are new variables in all of my circles of friends, and these variables don't like me. Maybe because I don't smoke pot, or because I'm an RA, or because I'm too blunt? I don't know. I used to be fine being the sober kid, but around this new element I fucking hate it. Because I feel like I'm looked down upon for not smoking, which is fucking bullshit.
I don't feel like my friends are excluding me. I feel like they're being pulled in different directions, and I'm left behind. I can't really explain how that's not exclusion, but you've gotta trust me on this one. I feel like THEY'RE not leaving me behind, but these new elements are. I want to hang out with my friends, but I don't want to be there when I'm treated like shit by the other people there. I don't need to put up with anyone talking down to me, even if it's sarcastic and thinly veiled by a coating of "joking".
The next issue is potentially (?) resolved. I don't want to discuss it really--it was just about group conflicts with VUJ and Dimple Divers and my having to potentially choose one over the other. I won't share which choice I would have made because it would upset a grand number of people, but I was definitely leaning in one direction.
I guess I feel like the biggest issues are social ones. And I know it's the coward in me pointing towards other people to assess my problems, but I honestly think a lot of my current misery is due to others. Or, my relationship to them. I am so goddamn lonely, and there are so many things I want to say but I can't and never will, and I will never learn.
Maybe I shouldn't say never. But if I don't grow some fucking balls, Never will be inevitable.
This weekend I will be going down to New York. I will be with my brother, I will be with people I love and who love me, and I will feel infinite.
I really fucking hope so.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home