Many ups, a few downs, and potentially a gay vibe

Hi all. I ask you to bear with me on this post, I'm tipsy and uncoordinated. But I do have spellcheck which I may or may not choose to use, so, once again: bear.

I'll start here with the ups of my life, specifically I can think of about four.

1. I was assigned the Residency at a very decent floor. I'm quite excited for it, and I think it will be awesome. I signed the contract and pulled Alex Bandazian with me, which means our conjoined singles will be like the Siamese twin of geekitude. I don't know many of the other people on my Hall Staff, but it will still prove to be a (hopefully) mind-opening experience.

2. My application was accepted at a children's summer theater, so I can relive my days of being "Joseph" in the JCC Summer Camp's version of "Joseph and the yadda yadda Coat". I really put together a great resume and presentation within 24 hours, so I'm proud I can be a part of it. There's a big condish though, which I will delve into in a bit. I'll even put a small asterisk (*) right here to remind me to return. *

3. I got the best grade in the class on my English 255 midterm, and the teacher also recommended me to be a Writing Tutor. It's hard work, but it's a great honor and I'm going to try to do it next year. I also get paid and get credit, so huzzah!

4. I've been having a lot of fun. With frisbeeing, dancing, and general tomfoolery I feel pretty happy here. The weather helps a lot, too, but I get very depressed when the weather's nice. On days like this (overcast, gloomy, wet and rainy) I feel more like a Wheatonite. When the weather's nice I think back to my days in Maryland smoking houka with the boys or going out on school nights and sitting outside of Cabin John for hours. I get so nostalgic for my friends when the weather's nice...it's rough.

5. I am getting closer with a lot of people. I'm scared part of the effort on their side is coming out of this blog, but I can't really control that. I write what I need to write in order to gather strength and replenish myself.

6. Recent development: Diane spoke to someone during Alumni Calling who spent their term abroad working with Marvel Comics. I could potentially use this as a study abroad semester, or I could get a summer internship. I say, fuck the internship, go for the study.

I think that's about all of them. Otherwise, there are a good number of downs that I'm not so sure I wanna get into right now. I think that the main reason I don't want to go into them is because of many reactions and conspiracies that have been started due to this blog. (Note: This is the fourth time I've worked on this specific post...and right now I'm going to dinner. Part V will commence afterwards.)

So dinner was great. I went out to Bangkok Cafe with Diane, Meredith, Kaity, and Abby--I began to feel a little PMS due to the company, I think. Then, I came home, did my homework (holy shit I did my homework) and followed it with about an hour of Diablo II.

I really did have a purpose for writing this entry back in the day. I guess I'll go a bit more into the downs and then into the gay vibe mentioned in the title.

So I'm still in a bad place in terms of social groups, but things are looking up. Cory (my roommate) and I hung out a bit more this weekend, which was a lot of fun. It was like old times, one might say. With that, I also spent a lot of time with Iyar. I promised Iyar at the end of 1st semester that we would hang out more, and now it seems to be happening and it's awesome. I also got to hang out with these two awesome gents, Tiago (from Brasil) and Andres (from Ecaudor). We smoked houka for hours and then came back after partying and smoked for another hour. Altogether I probably smoked too much this weekend, but that's my own fault. I didn't want to miss out.

For one of the first times this semester, I was out partying and I wasn't feeling alone. I mean, while my friends and I were watching "Team America" and pregaming, I did feel very lonely. I just felt like a bit of an outsider, trying to fit in with the cool kids. But after the movie, we started partying and Cory came along and so did a whole gaggle of other people--who the fuck was that Ursula girl???--and we partied all over the place. I almost got in a fight with this kid who I thought was cool, but it turns out he's a big douchebag when he's drunk. Really, I almost beat the shit out of him. He was wiping beer on my face over and over again throughout the night, and then he eventually skipped the middle man and just straight up overturned a cup of beer onto my fucking shirt. If I weren't such a pacifist (read: pussy), I would have broken his fucking nose. Sorry, a lot of untapped aggression. Probably because I haven't touched Vanguard in weeks.

In other news, I have skipped too many classes. I am an idiot.

So, this entry turned from poignant reflection into reflective babbling, and none of it has held any importance.

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for: The Gay Vibe

As I walk around campus every day, seeing beautiful women all around me, I sigh and reflect about how lucky I am for being a teenager. I am living the most reckless years of my life in an environment with people who are really fun, if not irresponsible as all hell. But none of these women return my smiles, or my glances. I know, I know, I'm not that wonderful to look at. But I think that under the really deceptive first look, I'm a handsome guy. I don't have any grotesque features--okay, don't comment on this part of the blog. But I'm wondering if I give off a gay vibe. There, my beloved readers: there you have it. I wonder if I'm giving off a gay vibe. Not that there's anything wrong with homosexuality at all...just...I like women. And so being seen as gay is an issue.

Sometimes I get the feeling that my friends discuss my sexuality. Sam's always teasing me, and I don't mind. I wonder if he does it because I'm straight or because he believes I'm actually gay. I've stood through many a shower wondering just how gay I seem to the outside world. And, if I do seem gay, why? Is it because I'm into theatre or singing, or because I am not getting girls? Because there are lots of reasons why I don't get girls. We all know why.

I think that's all I'm gonna write for now. I'll write a more, you know...level-headed entry later. I have been drunk and sober back and forth twice throughout the writing of this blog.

If you all have any questions about what I've said above, feel free to comment. I love comments. But in any case, I'll be around after the talk to sign books and go over anything you didn't understand.

Much love,
Will

"Cuz guns are meant to be stuck by..."

Despite the heavy-handedness of the last entry, things have improved. I feel the need to remind my (however tiny) readership that the last entry came out of an outpouring of everything that's been building up. It was a confession--not so much like Patrick Bateman, but similar--and I meant everything, but it seems much more severe when it all comes out at once. If anyone's worried, don't be. And if that last statement made you assume that there's something to be worried about, then I guess I'm a failure as a writer.

The point of my entry is to bring up a really shocking fact that I'm having trouble dealing with: I'm actually enjoying myself. I mean, of course, I have a sinking feeling that it's only a temporary pleasure, and therefore I can't fully enjoy the time as much. But I'm still enjoying myself in spite of myself.

Some recent developments:

I went to two dances this weekend! Granted, I wasn't fully "sober" but I still had a really great time. I think I've finally realized the thing I should have realized a long time ago, which is who I could see myself with. And it's hell to realize because nothing will never happen (more on that later). But I was dancing with her and I realized, wow, she's really perfect for me. Granted, I had that feeling with one other person at the dance before it, but I had to discount that idea: it was more unrealistic than the majority of my ideas, which are pretty ridiculously fantastical in the first place. I just really want something to work for the first time in my life: isn't college supposed to be like that? Frankly, I've been disappointed with the whole college experience thus far, but maybe my expectations were too high? I believed that I would meet the best friends I've ever had, that I'd be cool for liking comic books, and that I'd meet girls who liked me. I'm so pissed at every single person who, in high school, told me: "Guys like you will get all the girls in college." Well, this has proved completely untrue. Guys like me don't get girls for a reason, and I of course know what the reason is but I'm too scared and selfish to actually do anything about it, just as I'm too scared and selfish to write more specifically here. Deal with it.

On Friday night, I also engaged in a fantastic game of 2AM Frisbee on the soccer field. It was a lot of fun in a wholesome, high school/summer camp kind of way. Which killed the buzz, of course. But it was still fun at the time.

I'm really in love with music. I mean, I always have been. But that's something that's been getting better at college: my appreciation of music and the cycle it's been through since I got here. I started with Bjork and Sage Francis and Nas. Now, I'm all into the Smiths and Morrissey and Clap Your Hands and Wolf Parade and Sufjan and Devendra. I'm so excited by all the music I listen to, and I'm so depressed by it, and generally just moved by it. It's a good time, I promise.

So I really ran out of steam quickly there. The entry clearly hit a peak when I was complaining about the lack of love in my life, and I did manage to procrastinate for an extra twenty-five minutes. Oh, I guess another point was that I'm doing really well academically. Right. So, um...send your cookies to the comments section, cuz, yes: I do want a cookie.

I better go get cracking on work that will most likely make me fall asleep. Take care of yourselves, kids. I love all of you that are with me and I miss all of you that are not. Some of you I don't really like at all, so stop reading the blog. JUUUUST KIDDING. Keep reading the blog. But yeah, I don't really like you. Or you. Shit, there goes my readership!

MUCH LOVE TO ALL,
Will