"So how do I feel about my life?"
It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time to confront a lot of things about me. And I don't want pity, and I don't want sympathy. I want understanding.
I'm not gay, if that's what you're thinking this is about. I'm just a failure with women.
It's been way too long with me fucking up every time I like a girl. I find girls and I pursue, but never explicitly enough and never successfully enough. Girls do not like me back. It's that simple. It's an unbalanced equation and it's totally not in my favor.
I am exhausted from failure. I am exhausted from being the puppy dog who is kicked around by girls who want the pitbull. I know I'm not some delicate little flower or anything, and I don't want that to be the impression I'm giving in this post. I'm just broken from too many failed attempts, from too many wasted opportunities, and from too many close calls. There's only so much rejection a person can take, and I've past that threshold.
So I'm going to rediscover myself. I went to the gym yesterday, and it wasn't terrifying--it was painful, but I felt amazing about myself afterwards. I felt new, refreshed, happy. And what's more is I plan on going back. Often.
I also will quit smoking. I often have a cigarette every "once in a while" (i.e. daily) and that must stop.
But here's the real clincher of the deal, the big revelation of the affair: I'm taking myself out of the game. I'm ridding myself of temptation by becoming celibate. No sex. Maybe no hooking up. I haven't thought that hard about it. But at this point, none. Because if I want to hook up with people, then I'll be pursuing people. And that's just a waste of my time, energy, and self-esteem.
So there it is. I'm going to rediscover myself. I think this has been coming for a while now. All this stuff about the universe and cosmic truth has reminded me of Buddhism, and I need to look deeper into that. It just makes sense. Right? I don't know. Sex isn't for me. Girls aren't for me. I'm just not that desirable. I think I need to like myself and my own truth a little more before anything sincerely happens.
With that said, if something does happen to pop up, who knows? But I'm no longer pursuing.
I hope this, unlike everything else so far, goes well.
Godspeed?
--Will
I'm not gay, if that's what you're thinking this is about. I'm just a failure with women.
It's been way too long with me fucking up every time I like a girl. I find girls and I pursue, but never explicitly enough and never successfully enough. Girls do not like me back. It's that simple. It's an unbalanced equation and it's totally not in my favor.
I am exhausted from failure. I am exhausted from being the puppy dog who is kicked around by girls who want the pitbull. I know I'm not some delicate little flower or anything, and I don't want that to be the impression I'm giving in this post. I'm just broken from too many failed attempts, from too many wasted opportunities, and from too many close calls. There's only so much rejection a person can take, and I've past that threshold.
So I'm going to rediscover myself. I went to the gym yesterday, and it wasn't terrifying--it was painful, but I felt amazing about myself afterwards. I felt new, refreshed, happy. And what's more is I plan on going back. Often.
I also will quit smoking. I often have a cigarette every "once in a while" (i.e. daily) and that must stop.
But here's the real clincher of the deal, the big revelation of the affair: I'm taking myself out of the game. I'm ridding myself of temptation by becoming celibate. No sex. Maybe no hooking up. I haven't thought that hard about it. But at this point, none. Because if I want to hook up with people, then I'll be pursuing people. And that's just a waste of my time, energy, and self-esteem.
So there it is. I'm going to rediscover myself. I think this has been coming for a while now. All this stuff about the universe and cosmic truth has reminded me of Buddhism, and I need to look deeper into that. It just makes sense. Right? I don't know. Sex isn't for me. Girls aren't for me. I'm just not that desirable. I think I need to like myself and my own truth a little more before anything sincerely happens.
With that said, if something does happen to pop up, who knows? But I'm no longer pursuing.
I hope this, unlike everything else so far, goes well.
Godspeed?
--Will
