Closing Time

This is my second entry within a week, and that means one thing: Will is unhappy.

It's not just my perceptions. People are totally pulling away. People have pulled away. And at this point, I have no clue what the hell I'm doing wrong. And it's really upsetting me.

It's the time of year when people should be fixing things with one another, when you should try to get your last minutes in with the people you'll barely be able to live without for 3 months. And as I watch the goodbye hugs and tears, I realize that I'm surrounded by people who will actually miss each other. And although I've given hugs, they were never more than formalities, customs, "what you're supposed to do". I never feel like people will actually miss me, and how am I supposed to feel that way? Am I supposed to believe that their avoiding me is actually a coping mechanism? Or are they just trying to get away from me?

Who am I going to miss? It's pretty clear, or it should be. I'm totally generalizing in this blog, but there are some specific cases where I feel like I'm taking a knife in the heart because I'm being forgotten or ignored for seemingly no reason.

Should I stop caring about the people who dislike me, who hate my presence and make me feel uncomfortable? I want to, but it's hard, especially because their presence is seeping into the groups I felt closest to. I'm just running on empty.

There is also someone who I may never see again. This person is the person whom I've written about before, the unobtainable one. I've wanted so badly to just tell her, to kiss her, and nothing will happen. I'm terrified that I've missed a year of liking her when I should have stopped being a pussy. Like that's ever gonna happen.

Finally, while we're on the topic of being pussies, do me the favor of not being Anonymous when you comment on my Blog. The comment on my last blog was not only hurtful, but it was unfounded and seemed like it came from someone who's never spoken to me. If you want me to care about what you say, tell me who you are. I'd take criticism a lot easier that way. I respect you all enough to tell you how I feel and take you inside my insecurities and fears--do me the same respect and tell me who you are. If you actually care.

Things are ending terribly, and I've never felt worse about college.

That's all.
Will

Paradise Lost/Paradise Regained

Here I sit in my lukewarm room, with the fan blowing mystic harmonies into my ear. Sorry, I felt touched.

So, as you may be able to tell from my title, things are so-so. Or as I like to put it, things are shitty-great. And, since the proverbial glass is half-empty, I'm going to start with the shitty.

I'm incredibly disenchanted with college life. With the drinking, the potophilia, the constant knowledge that there are people around me who straight out do not like me. But that's relatively fine, because the people that don't like me generally never encounter me. And vice versa. It's more the issue with people who I am around--more than that, who I like to be around--seem to have become disinterested in me to a point of annoyance.

This is related to a few things that I can think of about me. First, I'm very loud. Most people get a kick out of this for a bit, but in the end people get sick of me and think I'm obnoxious and narrow-minded. I sometimes think that way, too. But what redeems me to myself is the knowledge that I am a deeper person than I often seem to be. I don't know if anyone really knows that. I'll tell you why.

To really see my depth, to encounter the passions behind this facade of arrogance, I have to be subdued, almost to the point of depression or complete introspection. People don't like being near me when I'm depressed, and I don't blame them. However, it's a terrible cycle because when I'm depressed it's often because no one wants to be with me, because I feel excluded or unwanted. When I feel out of place, I get depressed. I get angry with myself, with others, and with my flaws. I get resentful towards people who do fit in, and I blame them for pushing me out. I get jealous easily, and I don't hide my feelings well. I'm a dickhole.

That brings us to the next point: I'm remarkably negative. Sometimes people enjoy negativity, because it often leads to cynical humor, darkness that's entertaining. My negativity is like an act that people like to see, I think. I think people look to me for being the degrading, filthy, pessimistic voice in the group, and I don't always like doing that. I want to be rays of sunshine, honestly. I just think the world's too shitty for that. That, folks, was a joke.

I don't know. I feel like I'm growing apart from some of my closest friends, some of the people I truly depend on here, and of course they have many valid reasons for why we don't hang out. But I still feel like they're really intentionally pulling away. I am a fuck-up, and I am a slacker, and I am a clown. But I think I'm lovable, at least.

My expectations for other people are not the same expectations to which I hold myself, and that in itself is unfair. And what's worse is that I know I can change if I ever chose to. I can--and I will--quit smoking cold turkey, because I have the willpower. I can--and did--quit biting my nails. I can--and don't--lose weight and get healthy. I know that all my work habits are my issues, my laziness is my lack of trying (in the bigger picture sense) and my unavailability at times is my own selfishness. I'm too judgmental towards most people, and the people I love I hold too close and suffocate them. Maybe the people who are pulling away are just too choked by my insistence of them being there for me, and my desire to always be there with them.

And it's not like I'm not being invited to things. Well, the people who don't like me don't invite me to things, which hurts a lot considering all of my friends are being called. There are nights when the horrible disfantasy (you like?) I have of being alone in my room while the world outside is laughing and playing actually is the reality. And it hurts me. So much.

Now, I think that covers the bad in a very synthetic and vague way. It's time to move on to the great.

First, I got elected to be Vice President of VUJ for next year. Granted, I ran unopposed, so even if I won I'd like to know who was not in favor of my candidacy. Not for resentment, spite, or anything like that, because I don't feel like anyone in the group actually is that way. I would like to know so I can best represent people, so I can do my job and suit everyone's needs. I will do this, but it would be better to know what I can do to prove myself early on. I'm so excited for VUJ next year, despite the loss of two of our leaders, because even though it's going to be a struggle without them we'll gain the chance to walk on our own legs, to create our own mark. With the seniors still involved, we are allowed the benefit of guidance.

Another great thing going on is that I'm really thrilled to be an RA on the floor I have, with the people I will work with in Hall Staff, and with the fact that the two Alexes will be there. Netflix, baby! Being an RA gives me the responsibility to help people, to have a serious job with serious weight and I plan to seriously work for my residents. Seriously.

I'm also thrilled with the friendships I'm making and strengthening. It partially sucks because the summer will divide all the progress we've made together, but hopefully that time apart builds a stronger bond. On the flipside, people I love are seeming disinterested and even angry with me, but we already discussed that.

Finally, the most important part of what is making me feel great. I'm so excited to be going home to see my family. I don't think many people care about what it means for me to love my family this much, and I don't blame you. No one knew me in high school as the rebellious, spoiled, inconsiderate prick I was to my family. But I love them so much, and I miss them so much, and I hope it's not too late to fix things. It's been 18 years in the waiting, and I finally can be the son/grandson/nephew/brother I should have been. Friends can wait for me, my friends stay up late. My parents and grandmother do not, so I'm gonna make use of the time I have with them. And then at night I'll go out and get cah-razy...right. But honestly, I've never felt closer to my family than I do right now. I feel like I've never understood my father until now, and this is a huge development. It's like the veil over my eyes has been lifted and I now can talk to him, and can listen to him, and can sympathize and appreciate him. And with my Mom, too. As much as I will probably--let's face it, definitely--be furious with them in the future for stupid things, I'll always understand them better and be able to fix things more easily. Because I want to fix things. Fighting with my parents wasn't--and isn't--cool, and I don't want to do anything to dishonor them or hurt them. When you're a kid you're taught to say that you'd do anything for your family, that you'd die or kill for them. And finally I can say that, know it, and mean it.

I think that's all for now. Good night, friends. Good luck on exams!

Much love,
Will

P.S. Norton Youth Theatre is most likely putting on "Annie" next year...



...and guess who's probably Daddy Warbucks?